You don't know your Roman History unless...

you do. But if you don't, then you should really get your tail and ears over to Mike Duncan's History of Rome podcast and blog. I'm only about 12 hours into it (!) but I can say it's fascinating, well paced, and very informative. Mike does a great job of distilling the most thoroughly researched ancient people in history down to digestable 20-ish minute podcasts that really show both the events and the uniquely Roman mindset that made them great (and then, later, not so great).

Don't let the author's somewhat deadpan delivery turn you off... it's a devious feint so his sardonic wit can catch you even further off guard. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the podcast so far:

On divination about an impending naval battle with Carthage:

What made [the Romans] think they'd be victorious without the approval of
the sacred chickens is beyond me.

On the less-than-honest actions of a certain senator:

Boo, Claudius. Boooo. (Sounding bored now) Booooo-oooo-oooooooooooooo. Ooo.

On the conversation between Hannibal and Scippio Africanus in Syria some years after the 3rd Punic war:

Who's the best general now, suckah?

In the interest of full disclosure, The History of Rome may not keep you enthralled if you're already a keen student of Roman history - it does too good a job of hitting high points and keeping the facts breezy to allow for deep exploration. But for those of us whose knowledge of Rome doesn't challenge that of their stolen Gods, this is a great find.

They hate it when you blow their alpenhorns.

I was passing through the avenues a few days ago, and saw an inverted American flag on display at a home. In quick succession, the following thoughts tramped through my head like a company of upside down marines in an upside down parade commemorating upside down day...

1. Isn't a bit passe to fly an upside down flag now? I know it was trendy to revile Bush, but is hating Obama what the cool kids are doing already?


2. Wait, has Obama been in office long enough to even hate yet? That was quick. There are probably some embryos we can get pissed at, just to get ahead of the curve.


3. Wait, Does this person know that flying an inverted flag really means that the people inside are in dire distress, according to the US flag code, regardless of the common colloquialism?


4. Wait,

And that's when it hit me. None of these questions mattered. Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered like the answer to this overriding, all-important, vital question... the question that hammers in my thoughts like the beating heart of a feral beast of ignorance, consuming all other glimmering thoughts before they can kindle into intelligent mental discourse:

How do the Swiss show their neighbors that they hate their government?!

Inverted? Reversed? Both? How do these politically ambivalent, money-sheltering, watch-making chocolatiers show their national displeasure?

Come to think of it, I don't even know how to make a Swiss national angry. Do you lampoon them in popular tween movies? Do you insinuate that their money is named after a font? Maybe you could make fun of the papal guards' uniforms? I think that's all been done before, and they seem terribly... Swiss about it.

Meh. Querulous thought-beast subdued. Time to focus on what matters.

Like Cooking Mama, but less...pointless and excruciating

I love it when people interact with technology in ways that make their lives better, not just good in a different way. It happens less often than many, especially those in the IT industry, might think. Ya know that commonly held and intrinsically flawed idea that increased speed means increased efficiency? Please. In a single statement that obliquely refers to my main point on this topic and is deliciously ironic, you don't have the time to read all I have to say about that.

No, today's story is Nintendo. They have a knack for shattering preconceived notions we have about certain devices we use. So it should be no surprise that they were the first ones to pull off an application that hasn't yet worked on smartphones and PDAs, despite numerous attempts. Who would have thought that swiping your kid's DS could be so yummy? And here is the front page to that blog. Great reading if you're an executive chef in training; agonizing torture if you're hungry.

And to be fair, the title for today's entry is true but a little misleading: while both pointless and excruciating, Cooking Mama is pretty fun!

"You got your etymology on my nautical history!"

All 569 pages of To Rule the Waves: How the British Navy Shaped the Modern World by Arthur Herman are dense, interesting, insightful, and eminently readable (so far, at least). But page 162 in particular coughs up an excellent etymological insight. It turns out that while the term 'starboard', describing the right side of a ship, has been around for 700+ years, the convention of using 'port' to describe the right side is a comparable bouncing baby of less than 200.

Starboard is an evolution of steerboard. In the 1300's, the steering oar was mounted on the right-hand side of the ship. Simple enough.

The left-hand side was originally called the landboard side, as it was the side closest to land when in port (presumably to prevent damage to the steering oar...). By 1550 or so, landboard had given way to larboard, which rhymes nicely with starboard. Bewilderingly, illiterate British sailors have always been suckers for word-play, homophones, and rhythmic speech.

It wasn't until the mid-1800's or so that sailors collectively agreed that larboard is a silly word, and came back to their senses to use port to describe the port-side of a ship.

The origin of both words makes straightforward sense, but I think it's amazing that while one side of the ship has carried the same name for centuries, the other has taken quite a trip.

New Year's Resolution: Be more Like the Lions

Now stick with me here.

The Detroit Lions were terrible this season. They lost all 16 of their regular season games (the first NFL team to accomplish this dubious feat), and are currently at a 4-26 run over multiple seasons. They lost a few close games, were blown out several times, and never really gave any other team a run this year. Despite the legendary suction, however, they went out with as much honor and class as a team possibly could given their situation. Here's a short list of reasons why their season was better than it appears on paper:

They fired GM Matt Millen. A great player in his day, and by all accounts a genuinely good guy, Millen has the business acumen of a ditch-digger's assistant and the creativity of his shovel.

They have the top draft pick. If they take another WR, retract this entire post. They also traded away an overrated troublemaker for another 1st rounder.

They didn't blame anyone but themselves: Every week's post-game interviews could have been a hen fight. Almost without exception as to player or day, these guys took the burden of accountability on themselves. The press conferences were depressing, but not the bloodbath they could have been. The players didn't blame the scheme, the weather, the officiating, or the grim and unknowable Fates. Even when a certain quarterback ran backwards out of his own end-zone the rest of the squad gritted their teeth and shouldered their share of the blame for the loss.

They played hard every single week. They got beat, but only physically. I expected to see these guys quit on their coach, which is tantamount to quitting on yourself. For the most part, it didn't happen even though they had every reason in the world to just roll over and drift aimlessly across the finish line.

By and large, this team owned up to what they did(n't do) and carried it with whatever dignity they could muster. I don't see myself winning the Super Bowl or going 0-16 this year in my own life, but whatever happens, I hope I handle it with the dignity the Lions managed to show this season.

Or at the very least, I hope I don't underachieve and implode in a flaming ball of pure drama.